Ihsan towards parents and the challenges of multigenerational relationships.

The story of an ideal family:

• The contract of a parent is time-limited till the child reaches the age of 21.
• Age 0-7: build a relationship of trust with the child. 
• Age 7-14: train the child in life skills. 
• Age 14-21: act as a consultant.
• Age 21 onwards: a parent’s duty is now discharged to God.

Continuing responsibilities after the age of 21:

• Children are still entitled to respect and care.
• Children still need advice but they should be treated as adults.

Status that Allah has given parents seen in the light of the Holy Quran:

• Children are first supposed to spend on parents.
• Children must not do shirk and must do Ihsan.
• Parents are the second closest relationship for children after God.
• Children must pray for their parents and serve them.
• The responsibilities of children towards parents grow much more as the latter get older.
• Children must not show any sign of disdain or frustration towards their parents.
• Children must show compassion and humility towards their parents.
• According to Hadith, a mother who dies whilst serving her family is given the same status as a martyr on the Day of Judgement. 
• A mother has jannah under her feet- she is their first Rabb.

How should parents deal with children who have made mistakes:

• Pardon them and ask pardon for them.
• Consult and advise them gently.
• Build relationships with your children.

Responsibilities of children towards their parents:

• Children’s duties towards parents increase as the latter age.
• As children become stronger parents are heading towards a decline.
• A healthy multi-generational relationship is good for all generations.
• Show pleasure at taking care of parents.

Four keys to having strong inter-generational relationships:

1. Respect the other person even if they have an outlook different from yours.
2. Reciprocity: treat one another in a kind manner.
3. Resilience.
4. Real communication.

LINKS:

SURAH BAQARAH VERSE 215

SURAH NISA VERSE 36

SURAH IBRAHIM VERSE 41

SURAH ISRA VERSE 23, 24

SURAH ANKABUT VERSE 8

SURAH LUQMAN VERSE 14

SURAH AHQAF VERSE 15, 16, 17

SURAH NUH VERSE 28

SURAH ALI’ IMRAN VERSE 159

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Three keys to living a life of Ihsan (cont.)

Key 3: Pardon and forgive- Understanding God’s forgiveness

• Ghaffar- He who forgives the quantity of sins.
• Ghafoor- He who forgives the quality of sins.
• Al-'Afuw- He who removes the ill effects of sins.

These are the same qualities that one must apply in their relationships with others.

Types of forgiveness:

• Situational forgiveness- when one moves on from a situation that causes them turmoil.
• Dispositional forgiveness- pardon, forgive and overlook others for their shortcomings.

Motivation for change- inspiration from the Quran and Hadith:

• Continuously remind oneself that forgiving others gives access to His mercy.
• To attain God’s forgiveness one must forgive his fellow human beings.
• Assume that everyone has at least as good intentions as oneself. 
• Psychologists and ulema both explain that forgiveness is an inner freedom.
• God transforms bad deeds into good deeds- forgive and promote if someone admits a mistake.
• A momin is obsessed with his own shortcomings, not with those of others. 

Difference between anger and resentment:

• Anger: is a quick emotion. It is a fire that goes out quite quickly.
• Resentment: a persistent feeling of upset towards a situation. It’s similar to hot burning coals that continue to smoulder long after.

What we hold on to costs us emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

Barriers to forgiveness:

• Not recognizing the cost to one’s well-being.
• Fear of condoning hurtful behaviour.
• Belief that “they should pay for it.”
• Lack of skills in coping with anger.

What is forgiveness?

• Forgiveness does not mean condoning another’s behaviour.
• It’s a change in feelings and attitudes regarding what happened.
• Letting go of negative emotions such as taking revenge.
• There is no desire to make the other person suffer anymore.
• There is an increased ability to wish the other person well. 
• Results in spiritual expansion and closer proximity to God.

LINKS: 

SURAH YUNUS VERSE 65

SURAH AN-NUR VERSE 22

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Three keys to living a life of Ihsan (cont.)

 Key 2: Restrain anger- what is anger?

• The Holy Quran talks about ‘ghayz’- inner rage and ‘ghadab’- anger manifested in words or actions. 
• If ‘ghayz’ is not managed, it will show up as ‘ghadab’.
• Allah has created us perfectly and anger is not a design flaw within us.
• Anger is a psychological state that results from inner agitation and desire for revenge. 
• Anger has a great potential to be misused. 
• It’s a signal amplifier signifying what is important to a person. 
• Anger hides more vulnerable emotions.
• Unprocessed emotions will eventually cause disease in our bodies.
• Both extremes of either unleashing or deny anger are unhealthy for a person’s physical and mental well-being. 
• When it becomes a habit to blame others for one’s anger, then that insanity becomes fixed. Anger is a very energizing emotion as it is meant to deal with a threat.
• Anger gives one a feeling of power and righteousness which then feeds the ego and ends up depriving one’s soul and spirit.

How to control anger:

• When such anger is experienced one must always remember the wrath of God. 
• The faculty of anger which has been given to us has to be used in a balanced way.
• True power lies not in unleashing but in controlling anger.
• Instead of just feeling angry, turn that anger into productive action which leads to social movements being born.
• The proper use of the emotion of anger helps with the establishment and maintenance of a just social order and civic life.

LINKS:

SURAH ALI ‘IMRAN VERSE 134

“Forty Hadith” by  Ruhollah Khomeini

“Al-Ghazzali On Disciplining the Self” by  Abu Hamid Muhammad Al-Ghazzali

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Practice of pausing (cont.)

• Recognize the trigger.
• Press pause for at least 6 seconds.
• Take a deep breath.
• Consider your reaction in a situation from a place of Ihsan.
• Remember the tools Allah has provided you- self-awareness, power of choice, guidance and ability to consult with others.
• Develop a mantra or an affirmation.
• Press play again to continue in a better way.

Practices to develop self-control over time:

• Practice doing one thing at one time.
• Reduce inputs- news, social media, lectures.
• Spending time in silence as it allows our spirit to grow.

Three keys to living a life of Ihsan:

1. Spend when you have plenty and spend in challenging times.
2. Restrain your anger.
3. Pardon and forgive.

Key 1: Spending in good and bad times:

• Do good to others as Allah has done good to you.
• It keeps the flow of blessings going.
• Remind yourself that Allah has provided you with these blessings.
• If you bring good, Allah will provide multifold blessings.
• Charity begins at home. 

Research on the connection between money and happiness:

• Having more does not make you more generous.
• Paradox of generosity- when you give more you are happier.
• Give because of good intentions.
• Making a practice of giving makes you more open-hearted.

Effects of materialism:

• It is highly correlated with being dissatisfied with one’s life.
• Results in low self- esteem and less integration in the community. 
• Find less meaning in life.
• Less concerned about the welfare of others.
• Less satisfied with family lives.
• Less fun and enjoyment in what they experience.
• More likely to be depressed and envious.

LINKS:

Ghurar al-Hikam: comprehensive collection of short quotations and aphorisms by Ali ibn Abi Talib. 

SURAH ALI IMRAN [3:134]

SURAH AL-QASAS [28:76,77,78,79,80,81,82,83,84]

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Dealing with challenging relationships whilst practicing Ihsan.

Reference to Surah Ar-Rad, Verse 21-24- talking about the Ulul Albab- Men of Understanding.

• Characteristics of Ulul Albab in dealing with challenging people:

10. Understand where the challenging person is coming from.
11. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
12. Practice patience- self-control, will power, and acceptance.
13. They do Ihsan for Allah’s pleasure. 
14. They establish prayer as it serves as a reminder of their destination.
15. They are detached from material possessions.
16. If triggered, they say, “I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Satan.”
17. They spend secretly and they spend openly.
18. They repel evil conduct with good.
19. They show extra kindness to those who trigger them.

Hadith of Holy Prophet (SAW) talks about the best traits of character in dunya and akhirah:

• Forgive people who have been unjust to you and oppressed you.
• Do good to people who have done bad to you.
• Give to people who have deprived you.

Essence of Dua Makarimul Akhlaq:

• Allow me to repel evil with goodness
• Transform my evil into good

The power of pausing and how to practice it:

• We have the rational mind to separate our response from the trigger.
• Learn to stop long enough to get in touch with your values.
• Consider how to respond to a triggering situation.
• Consider the consequences of your actions. 
• External events cannot be controlled but our response to them is in our control.

Ways to strengthen our internal pause button:

• Recognize the trigger. 
• Mentally pause your reaction.
• Take a deep breath. 
• Make the intention to react in a positive manner.
• Ask someone for help.

LINKS:

SURAH AL-HIJR VERSES 45-50

SURAH AR-RAD VERSES 21-24

SURAH FUSSILAT VERSES 34-36

SURAH QASSAS VERSE 54

DUA MAKARIMUL AKHLAQ

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