Ihsan towards parents and the challenges of multigenerational relationships.

The story of an ideal family:

• The contract of a parent is time-limited till the child reaches the age of 21.
• Age 0-7: build a relationship of trust with the child. 
• Age 7-14: train the child in life skills. 
• Age 14-21: act as a consultant.
• Age 21 onwards: a parent’s duty is now discharged to God.

Continuing responsibilities after the age of 21:

• Children are still entitled to respect and care.
• Children still need advice but they should be treated as adults.

Status that Allah has given parents seen in the light of the Holy Quran:

• Children are first supposed to spend on parents.
• Children must not do shirk and must do Ihsan.
• Parents are the second closest relationship for children after God.
• Children must pray for their parents and serve them.
• The responsibilities of children towards parents grow much more as the latter get older.
• Children must not show any sign of disdain or frustration towards their parents.
• Children must show compassion and humility towards their parents.
• According to Hadith, a mother who dies whilst serving her family is given the same status as a martyr on the Day of Judgement. 
• A mother has jannah under her feet- she is their first Rabb.

How should parents deal with children who have made mistakes:

• Pardon them and ask pardon for them.
• Consult and advise them gently.
• Build relationships with your children.

Responsibilities of children towards their parents:

• Children’s duties towards parents increase as the latter age.
• As children become stronger parents are heading towards a decline.
• A healthy multi-generational relationship is good for all generations.
• Show pleasure at taking care of parents.

Four keys to having strong inter-generational relationships:

1. Respect the other person even if they have an outlook different from yours.
2. Reciprocity: treat one another in a kind manner.
3. Resilience.
4. Real communication.

LINKS:

SURAH BAQARAH VERSE 215

SURAH NISA VERSE 36

SURAH IBRAHIM VERSE 41

SURAH ISRA VERSE 23, 24

SURAH ANKABUT VERSE 8

SURAH LUQMAN VERSE 14

SURAH AHQAF VERSE 15, 16, 17

SURAH NUH VERSE 28

SURAH ALI’ IMRAN VERSE 159

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Three keys to living a life of Ihsan (cont.)

Key 3: Pardon and forgive- Understanding God’s forgiveness

• Ghaffar- He who forgives the quantity of sins.
• Ghafoor- He who forgives the quality of sins.
• Al-'Afuw- He who removes the ill effects of sins.

These are the same qualities that one must apply in their relationships with others.

Types of forgiveness:

• Situational forgiveness- when one moves on from a situation that causes them turmoil.
• Dispositional forgiveness- pardon, forgive and overlook others for their shortcomings.

Motivation for change- inspiration from the Quran and Hadith:

• Continuously remind oneself that forgiving others gives access to His mercy.
• To attain God’s forgiveness one must forgive his fellow human beings.
• Assume that everyone has at least as good intentions as oneself. 
• Psychologists and ulema both explain that forgiveness is an inner freedom.
• God transforms bad deeds into good deeds- forgive and promote if someone admits a mistake.
• A momin is obsessed with his own shortcomings, not with those of others. 

Difference between anger and resentment:

• Anger: is a quick emotion. It is a fire that goes out quite quickly.
• Resentment: a persistent feeling of upset towards a situation. It’s similar to hot burning coals that continue to smoulder long after.

What we hold on to costs us emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

Barriers to forgiveness:

• Not recognizing the cost to one’s well-being.
• Fear of condoning hurtful behaviour.
• Belief that “they should pay for it.”
• Lack of skills in coping with anger.

What is forgiveness?

• Forgiveness does not mean condoning another’s behaviour.
• It’s a change in feelings and attitudes regarding what happened.
• Letting go of negative emotions such as taking revenge.
• There is no desire to make the other person suffer anymore.
• There is an increased ability to wish the other person well. 
• Results in spiritual expansion and closer proximity to God.

LINKS: 

SURAH YUNUS VERSE 65

SURAH AN-NUR VERSE 22

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Three keys to living a life of Ihsan (cont.)

 Key 2: Restrain anger- what is anger?

• The Holy Quran talks about ‘ghayz’- inner rage and ‘ghadab’- anger manifested in words or actions. 
• If ‘ghayz’ is not managed, it will show up as ‘ghadab’.
• Allah has created us perfectly and anger is not a design flaw within us.
• Anger is a psychological state that results from inner agitation and desire for revenge. 
• Anger has a great potential to be misused. 
• It’s a signal amplifier signifying what is important to a person. 
• Anger hides more vulnerable emotions.
• Unprocessed emotions will eventually cause disease in our bodies.
• Both extremes of either unleashing or deny anger are unhealthy for a person’s physical and mental well-being. 
• When it becomes a habit to blame others for one’s anger, then that insanity becomes fixed. Anger is a very energizing emotion as it is meant to deal with a threat.
• Anger gives one a feeling of power and righteousness which then feeds the ego and ends up depriving one’s soul and spirit.

How to control anger:

• When such anger is experienced one must always remember the wrath of God. 
• The faculty of anger which has been given to us has to be used in a balanced way.
• True power lies not in unleashing but in controlling anger.
• Instead of just feeling angry, turn that anger into productive action which leads to social movements being born.
• The proper use of the emotion of anger helps with the establishment and maintenance of a just social order and civic life.

LINKS:

SURAH ALI ‘IMRAN VERSE 134

“Forty Hadith” by  Ruhollah Khomeini

“Al-Ghazzali On Disciplining the Self” by  Abu Hamid Muhammad Al-Ghazzali

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